Some friends of mine are getting married next year, and a certain mother is trying to take control......



Dear mom,

I would really like to thank you for giving birth to me, it is really appreciated. I understand from testimonials that you went through a lot of pain and agony, and I realize that this was a testament of your love for me and that your sense of control over me was also born on the same day. I guess you could say that you gave birth to twins that day: me and the loving apron strings that have been wrapped around my throat like the umbilical cord that should have been cut many years ago.

I know that you have always thought that you know what is best for me, and I really am thankful for all the pain I was spared because of your loving interventions. I also learned in school the importance of the separation of church and state to make sure that god had no control over free will when it comes to making wedding plans. Because I was taught by you to make decisions for my own life as a grown man, I respect your second guessing of my decision making abilities as an adult.

We live so far apart, yet, because of your frequent expressions of maternal love, it seems that we share the same house. Your nightly phone calls, full of motherly ideas of matrimonial bliss, are sandpaper to smooth away my own false preconceptions of happiness.

I really do appreciate your (s)mothering; without your timely advice, I am quite sure that I would have been engaged to a banker or something as horrid. Your suggestions and advice are always welcome, but please, this is my wedding; let me be queen for a day.

Your loving son.

One of my friends asked me to write a diplomatic letter to an annoying friend...



Dearest friend,

I would like to take a few minutes to thank you for the sincerity you continually show in our relationship. Your consistent willingness to assert your opinions is only surpassed by the inconsistency in the number of times that you are actually right. Your views are forceful and show an incredible lack of thought to the point where the only explanation could be an endless amount of practice. I congratulate you on your perseverance and wish you continued success.

I would also like to say that I admire your incredible talents. You are one of the most creative people I have ever met: the creative things you do with the truth are nothing short of sheer artistry. You bend words like a magician bends a spoon, with the pure power of his imagination. I can only imagine what it is like to live in your world where every thought and opinion is as well rounded as you are. Alas, we cannot all be so lucky to live in a fantastic world where opposition is swept away by a tide of indignation.

I would like to thank you for taking time from your busy schedule to remind our dear friend in Toronto of my possible memory lapse in wishing him a happy birthday. Your foresight into my possible early onset of Alzheimer’s is really quite thoughtful. One could almost say that your anticipation of this forgetfulness on my part was a premeditated act of kindness.

I would like to thank you in advance for your future lack of calls to my partner and I; your missing presence will be appreciated to no end.

Sincerely, and I do mean sincerely,

Annoyed friend.

Been feeling a little bothered lately by stupid people who infest my life, time for a martini!

Disconnected


Every day the sun shines the same;
Yellow, bright, boring light.
Every day the wind is the same;
It just gets in the way, like people on sidewalks.
Every day people pretend to want to smile;
The wilted flowers shed tears of dust.
Every-day frustrations blossom;
Mushrooms thrive on subway platforms.
Every day incivility is excused;
Politics wears a comedic mask.
Every day the truth grows weary,
Embarrassed by a thousand lies.

All the ignorant bullying and gay bashing going on is really pathetic, but the positive backlash that it has caused is interesting.



Bullying


Taunts thrown like fists full of nails,
Each spike pierces the soul.
Insults yelled out in ignorance;
Youth ended in blood and confusion:
Leviticus named.
Ignorance in the spotlight of stained glass windows;
The thorny crown is blameless.
The catholic pope dictates ropes of reason,
The protestant priests provide the tree.
Supported by columns of faith,
The foundation of lies refuses to crumble.
Innocent cries of hurt and pain;
Strength awakened,
The dance begins to change.
The bright light of truth slowly rises,
The shadows caused by centuries old verses shrivel.
False claims of world destruction,
Alarmist visions begin to fade.
Change dressed in sheep’s clothing;
A lamb will change the world.