death

The last couple of weeks have been difficult. My grandfather died and my partner’s grandmother died.  We have many differences between our cultures, one being North American white and the other Latino, but it is the similarities that bring us together; mainly being death. I am undecided who handles it better. His family all cried together, my family tried to hide their tears.

I was not close to my grandfather and thought that his funeral would be easy and then I would come home to resume my life. I was wrong.

I watched my grandmother and saw something in her eyes that really moved me. My grandmother spent 69 years of her life with my grandfather and I assumed that after so many years she would be ready for his death. She was not. She was very strong throughout the family visits and the funeral itself, but at one singular moment, I saw her pain when she looked at me directly. What I saw moved me more than I could have imagined. I saw my life in the future.

I saw very clearly my own face if I were to lose my partner. I saw his face if I was dying. I saw my father’s face as my mother was dying; I saw hers as she said goodbye. I saw the pain of losing someone that was promised forever. It was at that moment, I realised, there is no forever. We all die. No matter how good, or bad we are, we all die. I saw in her eyes something that we will all live at one time or another. I saw the human condition in real time and not some TV show. Death is not something we text about, it is something we live. It just shows up one day, wraps its arms around us, and says hi.

In my partner’s world, this consists of crying and screaming and grieving publicly, in my world this consists of holding it in and bearing it with a stiff upper lip. We all have our own ways of grieving, whether we do it with great fortitude or insane performances of hair tearing.

 I really wish I could tear out my hair and grieve.

Urban old

The sidewalk is cracked and broken

weeds thrive in between the crevices

The houses are falling down

one by one

the fences no longer mended

a lone dog barks his unhappiness

tied to servitude

The reflection of the sun is skewed

urban shadows are fake

 manmade shade offers no comfort  from the heat

As I trod along in my mind

Music wafting through a window gives false hope

My old shoes  raise dust as they pass by

a shuffle long forgotten as I sing a lost tune

I laugh a little

The planted flowers are all wilted now

The vibrant green as faded as my dreams

Brown and grey are the colours of my walk

This neighbourhood just doesn't seem to care

Faces from the past replace once vibrant petals

There are no more to fall

at least not for me

This park bench used to be beautiful

The blistered paint once vibrant, is dull and used

Initials carved in long forgotten love are unreadable

I have sat here before in the shade of prosperity

I have sat here in the shadow of dreams

Now I sit in the unrelenting brightness of my failures

Now I sit in contemplation of yesterday

I sit and I try to breathe

Love is not easy

I stand alone in this room
I stand alone in front of this mirror
The bed is reflected in complete loneliness
The white sheets seem so very welcoming
I wonder why you left
I see my reflection surrounded in white
I look so lonely
I look so alone
Your memory embraces me in warmth
Your smile left me long ago
You chose another
I lie down in cushioned pain
I smell your absence on the pillow
As strong as I might feel in this time of question
I feel weak
I can't help it , I weep
You lied to me
Your truth was always a beautiful confection
Like spun dreams in carnival candy
I trusted your inaccuracies
I trusted you
You lied

This song has some of the best anti bullying words in modern song.

the sound of slience

I love silence

 

The balcony resounds with sound

Mothers screaming

Children crying

Neighbours complaining

The rain comes

I love the silence

Music infiltrates the space

The sound of heartbreak

The sound of dishes breaking

The sound of ignorance amplified

Fall colours diminish the sounds of summer

The rain dampens summer exuberance

The dead leaves sing a song of quiet celebration

I love the silence

Winter white spreads its wings

The world covered in blankets

The balcony is so quiet

Not a sound to be heard

The  sky is brilliant in star radiance

The white covered ground is beautiful

The only sound to be heard is the solitary snowflake

It weaves it's way between arguments

It settles on silence

I just wanted to say that I'm not posting that much because I am writing a book which takes up most of my writing time. I will still be posting once in a while, but please be patient.

Memories of an earlier time

The rain streams down my window

Your reflection of me is distorted as I look upon myself

I can see no further than your opinion

The frost settles upon my thoughts

Crystals of memories trace patterns of wanting

A ballet of wishes skates across the ice

You told me you loved me and then you laughed

You made me believe

You lied

I lay down in water warmth with clawed feet

The porcelain old and wearing

I feel nothing

Nothing reaches me

The flow of dreams fills the tub

I cut the flow

Red regrets dance and mingle

The dance you created in truth

Bleeds from my veins into nothingness

I lie back remembering

I finally forget

Jamie Hubley died at the hand of the spawn of the ignorant

I have been reading the news stories about Jamie Hubley who committed suicide after being bullied for being gay, and have found myself feeling extraordinarily sad and disappointed. The more I read, the more I felt for this young man who did nothing but live his life the best way he knew how. I read about the batteries shoved down his throat on a school bus where no one did anything to prevent it. I read about his family making complaints to the school and no one did anything about it. I read about his final blog saying goodbye because he could not take it anymore; I wept.

All day I felt depressed and I could not figure out why. I am a gay man who never had to deal with being bullied. I went to secondary school and was part of a crowd that was never bothered; we were just people. We were not the “in” crowd; we were not the nerds or jocks. We were just ordinary students living our lives. No one knew I was gay at the time, even though I’m sure that some of them suspected. But I remember that one day I was in the school’s parking lot and I saw an obviously gay young man being harassed by some bullies and I chose to do nothing. I sat there smoking my cigarette, talking with my friends and watched the whole episode. I did not cheer or call out names, but I did nothing. To this day I think about that moment and ask myself why I did not intervene. The answer, I am ashamed to say is, I thought “better him than me.”

I did make overtures to make him my friend a few days later, but he rejected my offer of friendship; I could not blame him.

As I continued reading the news on the news websites, I found that my sadness was turning to anger. I was reading CBC.ca and going over the messages left by other readers, anonymous readers, and my blood began to boil.

Almost every message left was very positive and understanding: this should have never happened, we have to do more to stop this, how could this happen in this day and age, and so on. This was not what made me angry, in fact it encouraged me. What made me furious was the option that CBC.ca uses with each message: they have an option to “agree” or “disagree” with the comment. For each positive comment, there were 36, 45, 89 people who agreed with the comment. But there were also 4, 6, 8, 10 people, who clicked on “disagree” with the comment.

No matter how small the number, some people chose to disagree with a comment about how sad this situation is. Some people chose to say ( all the while cloaked in anonymity) that it is ok to bully someone who is gay, that it is ok for a 15 year old boy to take his life because of this. Man, I am so incredibly pissed off that this type of incredibly toxic thinking exists here in Canada. I am so furious that I would like to confront each and every one of them, in person, with their children tied up in front of them. I would make them watch as I bullied them for being fat, blond, brown eyed, short , tall, black, white, aboriginal, catholic, jewish, atheist (though atheists cause the fewest problems), handicapped, and any other minority you could think of.

The people, who disagreed with supporting this family, are probably the parents of the kids who bullied Jamie to death. They are the ones who are really responsible. I would love to live a dark, Twilight Zonesque, fantasy and have all of these parents wake up tied to an old school, genuine prison electric chair. They would be sitting in front of big, big screen TV that was playing, in real time, the bullying activities of their progeny. Every time that their precious snowflakes, that they call children, bullied someone, a stony faced prison guard would throw the switch and give them a blast of karmic electrocution.  I would see them writhing and screaming in pain as they tried to mentally stop their offspring from abusing some hapless innocent child. Maybe they would finally understand how their attitudes and actions affect the lives of others.

Alas, this I cannot do. But what I can do, as every single human being should do, is stand up against bullies every single time I am confronted with one. And I do.

I am about to write something that many people would disagree with.  I am going to tell you what I really think. I am sick to death of bullies thinking they can abuse weaker people because they know they will not stand up for themselves. I say, stand up. I say bash back. I say fight with any means you have at your disposal. I say organise and DO NOT TAKE IT ANY MORE.

I say enough with the parents who just don't care. I say enough with school boards who refuse to intervene. I say enough with governments who don't stand up and fight against this. I say enough to everyone who just stands by and lets this happen.

I. SAY. ENOUGH.

This is for all of you who have been harassed, beaten, bullied, or theatened just because you're gay and who would like to get back at their attacker.

Jason

The candle cast a glow over our faces

Its slow gyrations glint in the deep red wine

We toast Jason’s birthday with perfectly done steak

A celebration planned for months

We enjoy the sound of laughter all around

Others’ conversations hover over us like mist

Nothing disturbs our solitary happiness

Our private smiles give us warmth

I slide the box across the smooth linen covering the table

A gift of love

Jason’s look says everything as he blushes

He slowly un-wraps the ribbon I had so carefully wound

The candlelight shines on his smile as he sees the watch

He toasts me in thanks and spills a drop of crimson on the white cloth

A stain we would not have to worry about

After twelve years together we celebrate his thirty nine

I ask for the check gently refusing his offers to pay

Tonight is his night

He wraps his arm around me as we leave

Gently squeezing my shoulder in way of thanks

We slowly kiss in the light of the alley as we head for the car

Even after so many years his lips I find so soft

We walk across the alley oblivious to the rain spattered bricks

Oblivious to the sound of footsteps covered by the rain

Thinking only of home

Thinking only of his mother who would be calling

Thinking only of the laughter that waited tomorrow in family celebration

I didn’t hear the taunts and insults slung in our direction

Five men came out of shadows melting in the rain

Before I knew it we were surrounded by hate and violence

I looked at Jason and told him to run

He just looked at me and said “I would rather die”

I asked what they wanted from us

Their laughter gathered like wolves around sheep in the pasture

“All fags should die” I heard unbelievingly from a shadow

The lights in the alley shone steadily on our faces

Bathing us in pity

The first hit to my face was like stars exploding

A supernova of pain

I fell in a puddle filled with yesterdays waste

I have never felt so helpless as a foot broke my ribs

I looked up in agony as they held Jason

Two behind him one in front

I try to stand to run and protect him

I remember the moon reflecting on the shiny boots

Its light enhancing the edge of the broken bottle held in hand

I tried to catch Jason’s eyes as they held back his head

I tried to scream “I love you” as the moonlight caught the flashing glass

I died as the crimson flowed from his neck

A discarded piece of paper slowly changes colour as it floats by

Red flowers blossom in its pristine dirtiness

Like the wine in celebration

He slowly bows goodbye as he falls over

His face hitting a puddle of rain splashes me

My screams of anguish drown out the rain

My soul leaves me alone as it departs

Sudden lights surround me flashing

I hear footsteps running, retreating

Their sound echoes in time with my heart

A heart that wishes to beat no more

My love is gone

My love is gone

A voice asks if I’m alright

No, I want to say

A gurgle is what is heard

I feel being lifted as the rain hits my face

The water runs down the ambulance doors

And everything goes dark

Darkness surrounds me in a cushion of pain

I wake slowly wondering why the sun is not up

Why do I hurt? Why is it dark?

I reach for Jason and feel emptiness

Wondering why he was not in bed, I sit up

A wave of panic hits me as I realize this was not our bed

The white walls glimmering softly in the low light are not our own

The crisp white sheets don’t belong on our bed

My head spins as I try to orient myself and remember

The soft beeping of the monitor tugs at my memory

I am in the hospital

The night comes crashing down and hits my brain with emphatic force

I scream my anguish into the dark as wave after wave of memory hits my shore

Blood spattered visions blind me

It could not be true, it cannot be true

Jason is gone, his life severed by ignorance

I lie back down as nurses rush to keep me quiet

Their efficiency precludes understanding as I weep my pain

Darkness reclaims me as I am injected with forgetfulness

I hate them as I sink

Let me remember, my pain is all that is left 

Bright lights cast butterfly shadows on my eyelids

I sense that I am not alone as I try to breathe

The unwelcome air fills my lungs as I open my eyes

The pain crushes me as Jason’s mother looks on me with concern

Her ragged eyes fill with tears of compassion

Her sudden sob breaks my heart

She holds my hand gently while her face crumples in unimaginable anguish

Her shoulders shake, wracked with held in grief

The emotional dam collapses as my soul screams its agony

“I tried to protect him” I cry

“I failed, it’s my fault, I couldn’t stop it!”

The memory of his life gushing from his throat drowns me in despair

Like the wine glass filled with crimson poured over me

She squeezes my hand in compassion while her eyes disbelieve

Her pain at losing her only son has weird effect

My pain hardens, becomes something solid with its own heartbeat

I decide then and there on vengeance

She must see something in my eyes because she shivers

My pain will be shared with those who caused it

My pain will not be my own

A blade has two sides even if it has no handle

My broken ribs protest my deep breathing

I see Jason standing in the corner

His look is so sad as he shakes his head “no”

For the first time ever, I ignore him

For the first time ever, I don’t care

The sunlight hits my eyes for the first time in days

My wheelchair escort not welcome

The fresh air a balm on my impatience

I look up to see Jason’s mother watching me with concern

I want to reassure her that I wouldn’t do anything crazy

She holds my hand for a moment then looks away

My taxi is waiting

She wants to take me home but I say no

I have to see my house alone

I have to wander through our memories alone

I have to say goodbye alone

I have to learn to be alone

I hug her with regret in my arms

Her face a ruined beauty as she slowly walks away

Who is more alone?

The taxi driver expounds on Palestinian life as we ride

I could not care less about the murder of people I don’t know

His voice is the perfect white noise to cancel my painful thoughts

All too soon we arrive at our house

The front door looks so ordinary like I arrive everyday

I turn the key in the lock and pause

It hits me that for the first time I will not be welcomed by Jason

It hits me hard

I enter forgetting the portrait of us over the hall table

I slowly sag to the floor as I see his smile

I curl in small ball and shudder with the pain

The pain is more than I can bare

I scream out in agony now that I am alone

Images of alleyways flash before my closed eyes

I take a deep breath and stand

This is not what I promised myself

This is not who I will be

With closed heart I go around the house

I let my anger fill me as I see Jason sitting on the sofa

I let my hatred change my smile

I smile that does not fit my face but fits my new soul

The doorbell rings

Three policemen want to have a conversation

They think they know who the murderers are

They refuse to give me names

I send them away as useless

One stops and whispers” his name is Liam”.

Jason woke me in the morning with a gentle smile

He offered me breakfast and coffee as I slowly woke

The empty space on the bed denied the dream

The kitchen is empty of sound and smell

Echoes of slippered footsteps rebound in ghostly memories

I slowly wind my way downstairs

The cracked tiles on the kitchen floor show themselves for the first time

The kettle makes a shrill noise never heard before

The chair protests with unknown squeaks

Jason’s absence amplifies my loneliness

The loud silence surrounds me

I turn on the morning news to distract myself

An anonymous commentator is talking about a mundane mugging

Images of bloodstains in an alley fill the screen

“In an apparent robbery, one man lost his life” she says

No mention of the hate filled crime or discrimination is made

No mention of the love lost or memories forgotten

The smooth wood of the kitchen table becomes rough

The cracked tiles on the floor smile, the coffee in my hand becomes cold

The cabinets look at me sullenly as they drip black liquid and broken ceramic

I did not even realised I had thrown my frustration

I had a name to go by: Liam

In modern age they say a man’s best friend is the internet

In hope I Google:  hate crimes, recent deaths, Liam

There were twelve thousand possible queries

I start with the first and read each one

I refine my search within the last three weeks

I refine my search for my city

I refine my anger into a point so sharp

Just the thought of it leaves drops of blood

A drop of crimson on white cloth

I picture Liam bleeding sorrow

 I picture his face stuck in a rictus of remembrance

Visions of Liam in pain do not make me smile

They make me shiver with fear

What have I become to think such thoughts?

What have I become that I think of death?

What have I become that I think of tortured skin bleeding my truth?

I have become vengeance eating scrambled eggs

I have become a reluctant bringer of death who smiles in congealed grease

I am become someone that will not sit by and accept life’s knives

I am become the bringer of justice even in just my imagination

I am but one person tilting against the host of popular thinking

I am alone with one knife of insatisfaction

Five faces on my screen look back with indifference

Each one a face of murder with no regret

Known places of frequentation listed clearly

Known places of impending death listed helpfully

I make arrangements to be absent from work tomorrow

Just in case anything goes wrong

I dress appropriately in leather jacket and torn jeans

I pick a small but wickedly sharp knife from the kitchen

It fits well with my mood

I drive to the bar in a neighbourhood I would not live in

Tumbled down buildings speak of better years long gone

Even the pavement is worn with use and crumbling

I park three streets over and approach the incandescent lights

My intentions are flickering like the old bulbs above

I need to be steady

I need to be sure

I pass the door with false confidence and sit at the bar

I see NUMBER ONE laughing as he smacks a waitress’s ass

I see her look of numb acceptance as she pretends a smile

Her look of resignation inflames my anger

I want this man to suffer as his karma strangles him

I want him to plead

I slowly walk over in complete innocence

Standing by his side I ask if he has anything to sell

He sees me as a momma’s boy fresh from the suburbs looking for fun

I do nothing the dissuade his opinion

“Come with me”, he says

He gets off the worn stool and heads out the back door

I follow through the storeroom stacked with cases of beer

The smell of spilled liquor permeates the air

Assaulting my nose with yesterday’s memories of a poor man’s illusions

We step out into the alley between dumpsters filled with refuse

He asks me what I want and I say a dime of his best stuff

He reaches for an inside pocket and my instincts take over

I hold the kitchen knife to his throat and tell him not to move

The trail of blood running down his neck convinces him

“I recognize you, you little fag” he says

The knife cuts a little deeper pushed by my anger

“I know you too” I smile

He reaches for what I knew would be a hidden gun

He shoves my arm away from his throat ducking from the knife

My second knife reaches deeply into his bowels

A surprise thorn grows from a pansy

I twist it slowly and make it waltz from left to right

The music of his pain a symphony

A bloody lullaby

His blood running freely over my hand feels warm and sticky

As he slowly falls against the brick wall I watch his eyes

It is important for me that he knows exactly who killed him

When the shine of life leaves his eyes dull

I turn and vomit

Jason stands in shadows with such a look of sorrow

Sorry Jason, you are no longer here

I walk back to my car in confusion

I stumble over my emotions

His blood is slowly hardening on my hands, my shirt, my face

What have I done?

One part of me exults in vengeance and pride

Another whimpers in a small dark corner of despair

Jason is silent for the moment

As I fumble with me keys a hand gently removes them

Too tired to fight I turn and look at a pretty smiling face

The waitress stands next to me with a look of compassion

“Thank you” she says as she opens the car door

As she drives I feel my muscles go from steel to feathers

She talks nonstop of her life and NUMBER ONE

Her name is Veronica

She was his girlfriend/whore with no choice

His attentions were less than gentle

Her memories less than generous

The streetlights flash by on the empty highway

Lighting her face every two seconds or so

Flashes of her pain and relief shine briefly

Eventually she asks me what happened

I tell her

I describe every single detail of my pain

I hold nothing back

For some reason, I feel that I can trust her

She cries and laughs as my story unfolds

 Then she says she can help me

She knows everyone in the group responsible for my new life

She hates every one of them

I can see by her eyes she wants vicarious pleasure

She wants to hold the demon killing blade

She knows her limitations

We arrive at my house and I invite her in

I tell her that this is her home for as long as she needs it

The gratitude in her eyes is almost enough to light a path in the dark

Over filled glasses of scotch, I outline my plan

She provides me with information on daily routines

Number two likes the whorehouses, she told me

I form a plan as I think of the potential mess of the first

I need this one to be less conspicuous

A stabbing in an alley will not do

I call a friend who is probably the most hate filled drag queen I know

I promise her lots of fun for her services if she agrees

I always suspected she was a little psychotic

She arrives in her usual glory

A woman more beautiful than the real thing

Al l the curves in the right places

I tell her my plan and the surrounding events

To my surprise she does not laugh

Her look of fury encourages me

She only asks “when”?

I tell her where he will be tomorrow night

Finally she smiles

NUMBER TWO walks into the business of pleasure

The madam greets him

“We have a new one”, she says

“This one is of a beauty you have never seen”

His interest is piqued as he agrees to his unforeseen death

His lust is out of control

She comes around the corner, a perfect vision of sex

His eyes bulge at the same time as his crotch

She leads him to a back room he has never seen before

She gives him a sultry wink and offers something to ease his nervousness

He readily agrees and takes a big gulp of forgetfulness

He wakes on a comfortable bed surrounded by candles

His hands are tied to the bed posts as well as his legs

The vision of beauty is slightly out of reach as she dances

An uncomfortable feeling in his ass wakes him more

The beautiful woman is dancing with a white snake wrapped around her shoulders

Her dance most exotic

She leans over him and pulls on the cord leading from his ass

The sensation is disconcerting

I come around the bedside and stand to look at this murderer

Without a word I tell her to plug it in

NUMBER TWO is now fully awake and aware

Perfect

He screams his vengeance at me in a scared voice

 I look away and see Jason standing

His look of pain does nothing to deter me

He is gone

I tell number two who I am, and what he has done

He says he is sorry with witless expression

I think he finally realises what has been done to him as the curling iron heats up

His screams as the intense heat melts his innards has no effect on me

I remember Jason’s screams as his throat was cut and this one’s laughter

He is not laughing now

Neither am I

As we clean up I feel something I have never felt before

Elation

My friend has a permanent smile on her lips

I should have known

She had fun

But, if truth be told, so did I

I am becoming something I never knew I was

Then again, I have never met such anger in my heart

All I could see was pain, and certainly not just my own

After two killings I wanted to progress to something a little more public

Something a little more high flying

My shy side was now hiding

I still had stage fright, but I am beginning to love hidden applause

I took his cell phone from his pocket

A thorough check revealed his most called numbers

A well known construction boss was listed

My new found friend confirmed this was the phone of his son

The company was building a new high-rise

A forty floor construct of glass and steel

A private party place with unfinished business

An invitation could not be refused

I sent a text message to NUMBER THREE

The waitress knew them all

I hired a few party girls to fill the empty space

My partner in murder one of them

She loved to have fun

I hired a barman to attend drinks, obedient

A big risk I know, but he likes to get paid

Number three arrived with escort

Three beauties and a huge bodyguard

There may be a problem

He came looking for NUMBER TWO

My psychotic friend met him upon arrival

Her smile absolutely stunning

He is mine

His bodyguard looked at her with complete indifference

He surveyed the crowed looking for potential attacks

He was almost a professional

She led him to a half finished patio with a spectacular view

She bent low over his face

Her tits attracting his vision

Her perfume created a mist of confusion

No one could see here

Two stories above, construction cables fell slackly

As he wrapped an arm around her waist, feeling good

I wrapped a cable around his neck

He stood suddenly but too slowly

The bodyguard was distracted with the barman

I asked him if he knew me as the cable chafed his neck

The lazy recognition in his eyes held no apology

He went over the edge

His scream drowned out by the traffic far below

The bodyguard is passed out on the floor

The barman, well paid, is gone

The girls have all disappeared

It’s nice to have friends

The morning news was ablaze with the death of NUMBER THREE

“This morning the son of a prominent construction magnate was found dead”

The perky morning news host was reading from her prompter

“He was found hanged from the 27^th floor of his father’s building”

“Is his death gang related or something else?”

I laugh while eating my breakfast

My eggs are cooked to perfection

I lap up the yellow yolk with gusto

I can’t seem to satisfy my hunger

In fact I am now even hungrier than ever

NUMBER FOUR awaits me

I want something spectacular

I decided to set a fire to the situation

Veronica gave me the address

It is a two story little McMansion with surrounding grounds

He had hired the gardeners who sympathised with Jason

Without knowing

Jason had his own company for landscaping

Each employee was a partner in Jason’s business

Each employee loyal

Each employee devastated with his death

Everyone willing to help

I went late at night to ignite the festivities

The garage was easy to open and I slipped inside

He has two cars, both expensive

I slipped rags into the gas tanks easily

A little magic from my Zippo and the games begin

I run across the backyard and jumped the fence

I land well beside a tall bush that gave a view

The garage goes up like a holiday explosion

Sparks flying high with exuberance

A celebration of violence

He loves flowers and installed an expensive watering system

Even in time of drought, because of the self contained unit

Water is abundant

He runs out of the house in total panic as his garage burns

He stands in the middle of his well manicured lawn at exactly two AM

His previously set timers will now kill him

The sprinklers rise

Their little heads start spinning

The tanks, now filled with gasoline, spill death

As I watch he is covered with fire

At first he thinks he is wet with life saving water

Then he explodes with my fury

A living candle that dances in his yard

A perfect ballerina in fire

The very grass was alight

The inferno is so warming

Jason stands across the street with arms folded across his chest

Even he seems impressed by the fireworks

NUMBER FIVE, and last, didn’t have a chance

He was caught leaving a bar and wrestled into a van

Tied up and subdued he is silent

He was the one who cut Jason’s throat in that long ago alley

He was my main catch

He has no idea what was waiting

The sunlight streams through the broken slats of boards

This falling down barn the perfect seclusion

The dust from old hay filters down through the sunlight

Each mote lands on his pale flesh

Each mote lands on the sharp edge of my vengeance

I tied him to a wagon wheel

His arms and legs spread for easy access

Totally helpless like Jason with his head held back

Totally helpless like Jason as his throat was cut with a broken, dirty beer bottle

Totally helpless

He slowly opens his eyes to take in his surroundings

I am quite sure he is not impressed with the view

He becomes aware of his particular predicament

A smile reaches his lips as he sees me sitting nearby

“You’re the one I let live when I killed your girlfriend”

He was trying to get on my good side I could see

“Well, we're even now”, he says “You killed mine, by hanging”.

I didn’t know what to think of this, but I should have known

He is gay

My rage makes me very, very quiet

I stand up and walk slowly over

I notice how the wood of the ceiling is sagging

How the walls are slowly giving up and bending in exhaustion

I see the grain of the old, grey wood in such clarity

Jason is standing by the barn doors

His sad smile tries to tell me to stop

He was just a pacifist

Goodbye Jason, it’s time to go

I will always love you and miss you

I uncover the crowbar I had hidden beneath a tarp

I lifted it slowly, turning in ‘round in the sunlight

Its weight felt good

One sharp blow and his kneecap explodes

His scream a balm on my soul

Another and his left wrist is shattered

I never say a word, I am filled with calm

His right ankle makes the most glorious noise as it snaps

He is now singing like a little girl

The pigeons in the rafters choose to leave rather than witness

A shower of pale feathers fall like celebratory confetti

One drops in a small puddle of blood and floats

I go to the cooler I brought with me and take out a beer

I watch his eyes as I open it and take a long swallow¸

He knows what’s coming

I finish the beer and break the bottle over his head

He is still conscious as I slowly, oh so slowly, carve a deep line in his neck

I light a cigarette and toss the match into the dry hay

He will never be found

Two years later

I am sitting at a restaurant with Robert

We are celebrating our one year anniversary

He slides a gift box across the smooth linen on the table

I un-wrap the ribbon and gasp at the contents

A beautiful hunting knife

We had met at a support group for victims of crime

His partner had been killed in a home invasion

We hit it off immediately

We spent a year of happiness

Jason finally disappeared

Rest in peace

As we left the restaurant Robert hugged me

I answered with an affectionate kiss

We walked to the parking lot holding hands

“Fags!” a voice said from the dark

We stop and look at each other

“Shall I try out my new knife?” I ask

Robert smiles