death

The last couple of weeks have been difficult. My grandfather died and my partner’s grandmother died.  We have many differences between our cultures, one being North American white and the other Latino, but it is the similarities that bring us together; mainly being death. I am undecided who handles it better. His family all cried together, my family tried to hide their tears.

I was not close to my grandfather and thought that his funeral would be easy and then I would come home to resume my life. I was wrong.

I watched my grandmother and saw something in her eyes that really moved me. My grandmother spent 69 years of her life with my grandfather and I assumed that after so many years she would be ready for his death. She was not. She was very strong throughout the family visits and the funeral itself, but at one singular moment, I saw her pain when she looked at me directly. What I saw moved me more than I could have imagined. I saw my life in the future.

I saw very clearly my own face if I were to lose my partner. I saw his face if I was dying. I saw my father’s face as my mother was dying; I saw hers as she said goodbye. I saw the pain of losing someone that was promised forever. It was at that moment, I realised, there is no forever. We all die. No matter how good, or bad we are, we all die. I saw in her eyes something that we will all live at one time or another. I saw the human condition in real time and not some TV show. Death is not something we text about, it is something we live. It just shows up one day, wraps its arms around us, and says hi.

In my partner’s world, this consists of crying and screaming and grieving publicly, in my world this consists of holding it in and bearing it with a stiff upper lip. We all have our own ways of grieving, whether we do it with great fortitude or insane performances of hair tearing.

 I really wish I could tear out my hair and grieve.