I tried making pie crust today for a chicken pie........

Recipe for pie crust

Start with two cups of flour.

Add one half teaspoon of salt.

Add one half teaspoon of sugar.

Blend until you think it is really blended, because all ingredients are white, so how do you know? Your guess is as good as mine.

Add butter or Crisco. They are both solidified fat so who cares?

Cut it in slowly using that instrument that resembles Freddy Kruger’s manicure until you have something that looks like white rabbit droppings.

Add cold water one half of a tablespoon at a time. You will have to grow a third hand.

Eventually you will have a lump of pale dough that should stick together in a mass, sort of like an overweight albino’s back muscles after a stressful meeting with the boss.

Massage the lump, working out all of the kinks; it needs to be totally relaxed.

Make a ball and cut it in two. Think of it as cutting the Pillsbury Doughboy in half. If I never hear that stupid laugh again....

Sprinkle flour on the counter and the rolling pin to avoid attachments; emotions are never good while baking.

Put the ball on the counter and make a disk with your hands.

Show the disk the rolling pin and make threatening gestures to make sure it understands.

Introduce the rolling pin by gently flattening the disk into a shape more convenient for a pie. Ignore all protests.

With the rolling pin berate the dough into a flat shape big enough to fit in a 9 inch pie pan. Many firm discussions may be needed.

Gently lift dough over pie plate, curse and swear freely as it breaks in two.

Gather the dough back to make a new ball, take the freshly formed ball and quickly throw it at the nearest wall.

Pick up the mess, while picturing Julia Child choking on boned duck, and throw it in the garbage.

Proceed to the nearest grocery store and buy thoughtfully pre-formed pie crusts for your convenience.

Consult a psychologist about anger management

And most importantly, if the urge should come upon you to try again, suck some flour through a straw until the urge passes.