Jason
The candle cast a glow over our faces
Its slow gyrations glint in the deep red wine
We toast Jason’s birthday with perfectly done steak
A celebration planned for months
We enjoy the sound of laughter all around
Others’ conversations hover over us like mist
Nothing disturbs our solitary happiness
Our private smiles give us warmth
I slide the box across the smooth linen covering the table
A gift of love
Jason’s look says everything as he blushes
He slowly un-wraps the ribbon I had so carefully wound
The candlelight shines on his smile as he sees the watch
He toasts me in thanks and spills a drop of crimson on the white cloth
A stain we would not have to worry about
After twelve years together we celebrate his thirty nine
I ask for the check gently refusing his offers to pay
Tonight is his night
He wraps his arm around me as we leave
Gently squeezing my shoulder in way of thanks
We slowly kiss in the light of the alley as we head for the car
Even after so many years his lips I find so soft
We walk across the alley oblivious to the rain spattered bricks
Oblivious to the sound of footsteps covered by the rain
Thinking only of home
Thinking only of his mother who would be calling
Thinking only of the laughter that waited tomorrow in family celebration
I didn’t hear the taunts and insults slung in our direction
Five men came out of shadows melting in the rain
Before I knew it we were surrounded by hate and violence
I looked at Jason and told him to run
He just looked at me and said “I would rather die”
I asked what they wanted from us
Their laughter gathered like wolves around sheep in the pasture
“All fags should die” I heard unbelievingly from a shadow
The lights in the alley shone steadily on our faces
Bathing us in pity
The first hit to my face was like stars exploding
A supernova of pain
I fell in a puddle filled with yesterdays waste
I have never felt so helpless as a foot broke my ribs
I looked up in agony as they held Jason
Two behind him one in front
I try to stand to run and protect him
I remember the moon reflecting on the shiny boots
Its light enhancing the edge of the broken bottle held in hand
I tried to catch Jason’s eyes as they held back his head
I tried to scream “I love you” as the moonlight caught the flashing glass
I died as the crimson flowed from his neck
A discarded piece of paper slowly changes colour as it floats by
Red flowers blossom in its pristine dirtiness
Like the wine in celebration
He slowly bows goodbye as he falls over
His face hitting a puddle of rain splashes me
My screams of anguish drown out the rain
My soul leaves me alone as it departs
Sudden lights surround me flashing
I hear footsteps running, retreating
Their sound echoes in time with my heart
A heart that wishes to beat no more
My love is gone
My love is gone
A voice asks if I’m alright
No, I want to say
A gurgle is what is heard
I feel being lifted as the rain hits my face
The water runs down the ambulance doors
And everything goes dark
Darkness surrounds me in a cushion of pain
I wake slowly wondering why the sun is not up
Why do I hurt? Why is it dark?
I reach for Jason and feel emptiness
Wondering why he was not in bed, I sit up
A wave of panic hits me as I realize this was not our bed
The white walls glimmering softly in the low light are not our own
The crisp white sheets don’t belong on our bed
My head spins as I try to orient myself and remember
The soft beeping of the monitor tugs at my memory
I am in the hospital
The night comes crashing down and hits my brain with emphatic force
I scream my anguish into the dark as wave after wave of memory hits my shore
Blood spattered visions blind me
It could not be true, it cannot be true
Jason is gone, his life severed by ignorance
I lie back down as nurses rush to keep me quiet
Their efficiency precludes understanding as I weep my pain
Darkness reclaims me as I am injected with forgetfulness
I hate them as I sink
Let me remember, my pain is all that is left
Bright lights cast butterfly shadows on my eyelids
I sense that I am not alone as I try to breathe
The unwelcome air fills my lungs as I open my eyes
The pain crushes me as Jason’s mother looks on me with concern
Her ragged eyes fill with tears of compassion
Her sudden sob breaks my heart
She holds my hand gently while her face crumples in unimaginable anguish
Her shoulders shake, wracked with held in grief
The emotional dam collapses as my soul screams its agony
“I tried to protect him” I cry
“I failed, it’s my fault, I couldn’t stop it!”
The memory of his life gushing from his throat drowns me in despair
Like the wine glass filled with crimson poured over me
She squeezes my hand in compassion while her eyes disbelieve
Her pain at losing her only son has weird effect
My pain hardens, becomes something solid with its own heartbeat
I decide then and there on vengeance
She must see something in my eyes because she shivers
My pain will be shared with those who caused it
My pain will not be my own
A blade has two sides even if it has no handle
My broken ribs protest my deep breathing
I see Jason standing in the corner
His look is so sad as he shakes his head “no”
For the first time ever, I ignore him
For the first time ever, I don’t care
The sunlight hits my eyes for the first time in days
My wheelchair escort not welcome
The fresh air a balm on my impatience
I look up to see Jason’s mother watching me with concern
I want to reassure her that I wouldn’t do anything crazy
She holds my hand for a moment then looks away
My taxi is waiting
She wants to take me home but I say no
I have to see my house alone
I have to wander through our memories alone
I have to say goodbye alone
I have to learn to be alone
I hug her with regret in my arms
Her face a ruined beauty as she slowly walks away
Who is more alone?
The taxi driver expounds on Palestinian life as we ride
I could not care less about the murder of people I don’t know
His voice is the perfect white noise to cancel my painful thoughts
All too soon we arrive at our house
The front door looks so ordinary like I arrive everyday
I turn the key in the lock and pause
It hits me that for the first time I will not be welcomed by Jason
It hits me hard
I enter forgetting the portrait of us over the hall table
I slowly sag to the floor as I see his smile
I curl in small ball and shudder with the pain
The pain is more than I can bare
I scream out in agony now that I am alone
Images of alleyways flash before my closed eyes
I take a deep breath and stand
This is not what I promised myself
This is not who I will be
With closed heart I go around the house
I let my anger fill me as I see Jason sitting on the sofa
I let my hatred change my smile
I smile that does not fit my face but fits my new soul
The doorbell rings
Three policemen want to have a conversation
They think they know who the murderers are
They refuse to give me names
I send them away as useless
One stops and whispers” his name is Liam”.
Jason woke me in the morning with a gentle smile
He offered me breakfast and coffee as I slowly woke
The empty space on the bed denied the dream
The kitchen is empty of sound and smell
Echoes of slippered footsteps rebound in ghostly memories
I slowly wind my way downstairs
The cracked tiles on the kitchen floor show themselves for the first time
The kettle makes a shrill noise never heard before
The chair protests with unknown squeaks
Jason’s absence amplifies my loneliness
The loud silence surrounds me
I turn on the morning news to distract myself
An anonymous commentator is talking about a mundane mugging
Images of bloodstains in an alley fill the screen
“In an apparent robbery, one man lost his life” she says
No mention of the hate filled crime or discrimination is made
No mention of the love lost or memories forgotten
The smooth wood of the kitchen table becomes rough
The cracked tiles on the floor smile, the coffee in my hand becomes cold
The cabinets look at me sullenly as they drip black liquid and broken ceramic
I did not even realised I had thrown my frustration
I had a name to go by: Liam
In modern age they say a man’s best friend is the internet
In hope I Google: hate crimes, recent deaths, Liam
There were twelve thousand possible queries
I start with the first and read each one
I refine my search within the last three weeks
I refine my search for my city
I refine my anger into a point so sharp
Just the thought of it leaves drops of blood
A drop of crimson on white cloth
I picture Liam bleeding sorrow
I picture his face stuck in a rictus of remembrance
Visions of Liam in pain do not make me smile
They make me shiver with fear
What have I become to think such thoughts?
What have I become that I think of death?
What have I become that I think of tortured skin bleeding my truth?
I have become vengeance eating scrambled eggs
I have become a reluctant bringer of death who smiles in congealed grease
I am become someone that will not sit by and accept life’s knives
I am become the bringer of justice even in just my imagination
I am but one person tilting against the host of popular thinking
I am alone with one knife of insatisfaction
Five faces on my screen look back with indifference
Each one a face of murder with no regret
Known places of frequentation listed clearly
Known places of impending death listed helpfully
I make arrangements to be absent from work tomorrow
Just in case anything goes wrong
I dress appropriately in leather jacket and torn jeans
I pick a small but wickedly sharp knife from the kitchen
It fits well with my mood
I drive to the bar in a neighbourhood I would not live in
Tumbled down buildings speak of better years long gone
Even the pavement is worn with use and crumbling
I park three streets over and approach the incandescent lights
My intentions are flickering like the old bulbs above
I need to be steady
I need to be sure
I pass the door with false confidence and sit at the bar
I see NUMBER ONE laughing as he smacks a waitress’s ass
I see her look of numb acceptance as she pretends a smile
Her look of resignation inflames my anger
I want this man to suffer as his karma strangles him
I want him to plead
I slowly walk over in complete innocence
Standing by his side I ask if he has anything to sell
He sees me as a momma’s boy fresh from the suburbs looking for fun
I do nothing the dissuade his opinion
“Come with me”, he says
He gets off the worn stool and heads out the back door
I follow through the storeroom stacked with cases of beer
The smell of spilled liquor permeates the air
Assaulting my nose with yesterday’s memories of a poor man’s illusions
We step out into the alley between dumpsters filled with refuse
He asks me what I want and I say a dime of his best stuff
He reaches for an inside pocket and my instincts take over
I hold the kitchen knife to his throat and tell him not to move
The trail of blood running down his neck convinces him
“I recognize you, you little fag” he says
The knife cuts a little deeper pushed by my anger
“I know you too” I smile
He reaches for what I knew would be a hidden gun
He shoves my arm away from his throat ducking from the knife
My second knife reaches deeply into his bowels
A surprise thorn grows from a pansy
I twist it slowly and make it waltz from left to right
The music of his pain a symphony
A bloody lullaby
His blood running freely over my hand feels warm and sticky
As he slowly falls against the brick wall I watch his eyes
It is important for me that he knows exactly who killed him
When the shine of life leaves his eyes dull
I turn and vomit
Jason stands in shadows with such a look of sorrow
Sorry Jason, you are no longer here
I walk back to my car in confusion
I stumble over my emotions
His blood is slowly hardening on my hands, my shirt, my face
What have I done?
One part of me exults in vengeance and pride
Another whimpers in a small dark corner of despair
Jason is silent for the moment
As I fumble with me keys a hand gently removes them
Too tired to fight I turn and look at a pretty smiling face
The waitress stands next to me with a look of compassion
“Thank you” she says as she opens the car door
As she drives I feel my muscles go from steel to feathers
She talks nonstop of her life and NUMBER ONE
Her name is Veronica
She was his girlfriend/whore with no choice
His attentions were less than gentle
Her memories less than generous
The streetlights flash by on the empty highway
Lighting her face every two seconds or so
Flashes of her pain and relief shine briefly
Eventually she asks me what happened
I tell her
I describe every single detail of my pain
I hold nothing back
For some reason, I feel that I can trust her
She cries and laughs as my story unfolds
Then she says she can help me
She knows everyone in the group responsible for my new life
She hates every one of them
I can see by her eyes she wants vicarious pleasure
She wants to hold the demon killing blade
She knows her limitations
We arrive at my house and I invite her in
I tell her that this is her home for as long as she needs it
The gratitude in her eyes is almost enough to light a path in the dark
Over filled glasses of scotch, I outline my plan
She provides me with information on daily routines
Number two likes the whorehouses, she told me
I form a plan as I think of the potential mess of the first
I need this one to be less conspicuous
A stabbing in an alley will not do
I call a friend who is probably the most hate filled drag queen I know
I promise her lots of fun for her services if she agrees
I always suspected she was a little psychotic
She arrives in her usual glory
A woman more beautiful than the real thing
Al l the curves in the right places
I tell her my plan and the surrounding events
To my surprise she does not laugh
Her look of fury encourages me
She only asks “when”?
I tell her where he will be tomorrow night
Finally she smiles
NUMBER TWO walks into the business of pleasure
The madam greets him
“We have a new one”, she says
“This one is of a beauty you have never seen”
His interest is piqued as he agrees to his unforeseen death
His lust is out of control
She comes around the corner, a perfect vision of sex
His eyes bulge at the same time as his crotch
She leads him to a back room he has never seen before
She gives him a sultry wink and offers something to ease his nervousness
He readily agrees and takes a big gulp of forgetfulness
He wakes on a comfortable bed surrounded by candles
His hands are tied to the bed posts as well as his legs
The vision of beauty is slightly out of reach as she dances
An uncomfortable feeling in his ass wakes him more
The beautiful woman is dancing with a white snake wrapped around her shoulders
Her dance most exotic
She leans over him and pulls on the cord leading from his ass
The sensation is disconcerting
I come around the bedside and stand to look at this murderer
Without a word I tell her to plug it in
NUMBER TWO is now fully awake and aware
Perfect
He screams his vengeance at me in a scared voice
I look away and see Jason standing
His look of pain does nothing to deter me
He is gone
I tell number two who I am, and what he has done
He says he is sorry with witless expression
I think he finally realises what has been done to him as the curling iron heats up
His screams as the intense heat melts his innards has no effect on me
I remember Jason’s screams as his throat was cut and this one’s laughter
He is not laughing now
Neither am I
As we clean up I feel something I have never felt before
Elation
My friend has a permanent smile on her lips
I should have known
She had fun
But, if truth be told, so did I
I am becoming something I never knew I was
Then again, I have never met such anger in my heart
All I could see was pain, and certainly not just my own
After two killings I wanted to progress to something a little more public
Something a little more high flying
My shy side was now hiding
I still had stage fright, but I am beginning to love hidden applause
I took his cell phone from his pocket
A thorough check revealed his most called numbers
A well known construction boss was listed
My new found friend confirmed this was the phone of his son
The company was building a new high-rise
A forty floor construct of glass and steel
A private party place with unfinished business
An invitation could not be refused
I sent a text message to NUMBER THREE
The waitress knew them all
I hired a few party girls to fill the empty space
My partner in murder one of them
She loved to have fun
I hired a barman to attend drinks, obedient
A big risk I know, but he likes to get paid
Number three arrived with escort
Three beauties and a huge bodyguard
There may be a problem
He came looking for NUMBER TWO
My psychotic friend met him upon arrival
Her smile absolutely stunning
He is mine
His bodyguard looked at her with complete indifference
He surveyed the crowed looking for potential attacks
He was almost a professional
She led him to a half finished patio with a spectacular view
She bent low over his face
Her tits attracting his vision
Her perfume created a mist of confusion
No one could see here
Two stories above, construction cables fell slackly
As he wrapped an arm around her waist, feeling good
I wrapped a cable around his neck
He stood suddenly but too slowly
The bodyguard was distracted with the barman
I asked him if he knew me as the cable chafed his neck
The lazy recognition in his eyes held no apology
He went over the edge
His scream drowned out by the traffic far below
The bodyguard is passed out on the floor
The barman, well paid, is gone
The girls have all disappeared
It’s nice to have friends
The morning news was ablaze with the death of NUMBER THREE
“This morning the son of a prominent construction magnate was found dead”
The perky morning news host was reading from her prompter
“He was found hanged from the 27th floor of his father’s building”
“Is his death gang related or something else?”
I laugh while eating my breakfast
My eggs are cooked to perfection
I lap up the yellow yolk with gusto
I can’t seem to satisfy my hunger
In fact I am now even hungrier than ever
NUMBER FOUR awaits me
I want something spectacular
I decided to set a fire to the situation
Veronica gave me the address
It is a two story little McMansion with surrounding grounds
He had hired the gardeners who sympathised with Jason
Without knowing
Jason had his own company for landscaping
Each employee was a partner in Jason’s business
Each employee loyal
Each employee devastated with his death
Everyone willing to help
I went late at night to ignite the festivities
The garage was easy to open and I slipped inside
He has two cars, both expensive
I slipped rags into the gas tanks easily
A little magic from my Zippo and the games begin
I run across the backyard and jumped the fence
I land well beside a tall bush that gave a view
The garage goes up like a holiday explosion
Sparks flying high with exuberance
A celebration of violence
He loves flowers and installed an expensive watering system
Even in time of drought, because of the self contained unit
Water is abundant
He runs out of the house in total panic as his garage burns
He stands in the middle of his well manicured lawn at exactly two AM
His previously set timers will now kill him
The sprinklers rise
Their little heads start spinning
The tanks, now filled with gasoline, spill death
As I watch he is covered with fire
At first he thinks he is wet with life saving water
Then he explodes with my fury
A living candle that dances in his yard
A perfect ballerina in fire
The very grass was alight
The inferno is so warming
Jason stands across the street with arms folded across his chest
Even he seems impressed by the fireworks
NUMBER FIVE, and last, didn’t have a chance
He was caught leaving a bar and wrestled into a van
Tied up and subdued he is silent
He was the one who cut Jason’s throat in that long ago alley
He was my main catch
He has no idea what was waiting
The sunlight streams through the broken slats of boards
This falling down barn the perfect seclusion
The dust from old hay filters down through the sunlight
Each mote lands on his pale flesh
Each mote lands on the sharp edge of my vengeance
I tied him to a wagon wheel
His arms and legs spread for easy access
Totally helpless like Jason with his head held back
Totally helpless like Jason as his throat was cut with a broken, dirty beer bottle
Totally helpless
He slowly opens his eyes to take in his surroundings
I am quite sure he is not impressed with the view
He becomes aware of his particular predicament
A smile reaches his lips as he sees me sitting nearby
“You’re the one I let live when I killed your girlfriend”
He was trying to get on my good side I could see
“Well, we're even now”, he says “You killed mine, by hanging”.
I didn’t know what to think of this, but I should have known
He is gay
My rage makes me very, very quiet
I stand up and walk slowly over
I notice how the wood of the ceiling is sagging
How the walls are slowly giving up and bending in exhaustion
I see the grain of the old, grey wood in such clarity
Jason is standing by the barn doors
His sad smile tries to tell me to stop
He was just a pacifist
Goodbye Jason, it’s time to go
I will always love you and miss you
I uncover the crowbar I had hidden beneath a tarp
I lifted it slowly, turning in ‘round in the sunlight
Its weight felt good
One sharp blow and his kneecap explodes
His scream a balm on my soul
Another and his left wrist is shattered
I never say a word, I am filled with calm
His right ankle makes the most glorious noise as it snaps
He is now singing like a little girl
The pigeons in the rafters choose to leave rather than witness
A shower of pale feathers fall like celebratory confetti
One drops in a small puddle of blood and floats
I go to the cooler I brought with me and take out a beer
I watch his eyes as I open it and take a long swallow¸
He knows what’s coming
I finish the beer and break the bottle over his head
He is still conscious as I slowly, oh so slowly, carve a deep line in his neck
I light a cigarette and toss the match into the dry hay
He will never be found
Two years later
I am sitting at a restaurant with Robert
We are celebrating our one year anniversary
He slides a gift box across the smooth linen on the table
I un-wrap the ribbon and gasp at the contents
A beautiful hunting knife
We had met at a support group for victims of crime
His partner had been killed in a home invasion
We hit it off immediately
We spent a year of happiness
Jason finally disappeared
Rest in peace
As we left the restaurant Robert hugged me
I answered with an affectionate kiss
We walked to the parking lot holding hands
“Fags!” a voice said from the dark
We stop and look at each other
“Shall I try out my new knife?” I ask
Robert smiles
